The Ridonculous Vape!
by SingleSaltyTears
Summary: 12 teams of mostly new contestants join a new, somehow less realistic, version of The Ridonculous Race, where they have to drive RVs around the world, and also SING! Up Now: The Contestants leave for their first destination, Attitude City!
1. Ch1: Welcome To Attitude City, Pt 1

**DISCLAIMER:** This is a story for fun. I don't own the Total Drama characters used here, nor do I own the people from who those characters are based on. If it seems to fit your personality, then you should reflect about your life because it's only the shoe fitting. Nothing in here is meant in anything else than good, harmless fun, except when it does mean something more than that. An actually serious (somewhat) story for once! No animals this time around!

 **DISCLAIMER TWO:** Happens right after Ridonculous Race, when the show is immediately renewed.

 **DISCLAIMER THREE:** Drop a review to show who you're rooting for!

* * *

So here's Episode 1! Please give feedback on the story, and remember, it's all in good fun, except when it isn't. Character introductions. Kisses. _Emoticon heart_

* * *

 **THE RIDONCULOUS VAPE**

 **Episode 1, Part 1 - Welcome to Attitude City**

* * *

Don is seen sitting between the boobs of The Statue of Liberty. He looks towards the camera like literally every reality-show ever.

Don - Hello! I'm standing here in the great pride of New York City, where 12 teams will start their race in RVs around the world, for one million dollars. This is THE RIDONCULOUS VAPE.

The intro plays, showing the different teams and different places. It cuts right back to Don talking about the teams.

* * *

Don: Let's meet the teams! First up is Agnes and Oscar, the fanboys. Wait, you mean Agnes is a boy? Poor creature...

We shows Agnes and Oscar talking and laughing on the subway. They are showing each other comics and blog posts about their favourite characters, Blandie and Yawn.

\- CONFESSIONAL -  
Agnes - It was great meeting Oscar. Finally someone who actually appreciates good characters instead of the mean ones.  
Oscar - Yeah! People don't agree that Dawn was hated by everyone and should have won, but Agnes has my back.

Oscar turns sad and Agnes sighs.

Agnes - I mean the show is sexist after all, there was no way she could do well. Now... we definitely'll be the underdogs.  
Oscar - And everyone should root for the underdogs in the first place to give them a chance. So we aren't worried.

They look at the camera with a proud look that's filled with worries.  
\- END CONFESSIONAL -

We cut to Alfred and Lucy, who are, similarly, laughing, but about people around them - and not hiding it very well. Don introduces her in a voice-over.

Don - ...after that, Alfred and Lucy, the ones banned from the group. What group? No clue, but that's their label - don't ask me.

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Lucy - Hey everyone, looking good today, huh? Oh, wait, Tyrone, your fly is down and I can see everything, ooh boy...  
Alfred - You know that'll just freak out one or two people, right? _Emoticon colonthree_  
Lucy - Totally worth it. Anyway, we're excited to travel around the world and see the wonderful places and people around.  
Alfred - I want to see Spain, to see some hunky toreadores. Maybe even more than see if I get the chance. I want to see Italy too.  
Lucy - And I want to see London, also France, also behind Don's underpants.

They hold their laughter for barely a second before cracking up.  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We cut to Ashton and Felix, who are looking bored at the train. A kid passes by with a balloon and Felix pops it, which causes Ashton to flash a little smile.

Don - Up next is Ashton and Felix, the 'Slayers'. They slay people, but on the figurative sense, because we would have a legal mess in our hands otherwise.

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Ashton - We came to play, and to play hard. That means tricking other teams, dragging them through the mud, kicking them while their down...  
Felix - -insulting their most likely bland personalities-  
Ashton - Oh, that for sure. Thing is, we play with peoples minds on a daily basis. We have this game pretty much on lockdown.  
Felix - What? You think it's easy mantaining your internet status? It's not easy being better than everyone else. But you wouldn't know, right? You're a cameraman, after all.

The camera man puts the camera down and runs away, crying. Ashton and Felix just flash a grin to each other.  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We cut to Mary and Carl. Mary is doing a scientific equation while Carl is drooling looking at her.

Don - Remind me not to cross those two. Up next is Carl and Mary, the Stalker and the Stalkee... is that how you say that? I don't know.

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Mary - After losing in RR, me and Ellody immediately saw what was the flaw on our otherwise perfect gameplan. We were BOTH the smart one, and that can't happen. Being that our intellect was equally matched, well, *snorts*, almost, since I'm still leagues more intelligent than her, there was no chance of succeeding.  
Carl - Hi Mary, you're great! I bought some papercrafts of you.  
Mary - And so I'm trying again, but with someone who... isn't the smart one, for my lack of trying to find a better, less insulting sentence. Well, I could find one in half a second, but I don't think I should bother with it.  
Carl - Mary you're so cool I really think you were robbed, Episode 4 was terrible and I hate RR it's a terrible season.  
Mary - ...let's see if I can survive until the end to see the results of my hardwork.  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We can see Chris and Hallie with, respectively, an angry and a 'the world is ending' face. Hallie's writing on a sign "It's the end of TD".

Don - And now that Mary spoke more than in the entirety of RR, let's see Chris and Hallie, the Ridonculous Haters. Wait. Chris. McLean. Are you for real?!

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Chris - The Ridonculous Race sucks. I mean, there's not really much around it. It sucks. The host is terrible, I'm miles better, and, again, it sucks. And it sucks that I may be out of a job if they think the Ridonculous Race should be the new staple.  
Hallie - Plus did you see the ratings on this unreliable source I just found?! They're super low! It's terrible! Oh my god it's going to be cancelled!  
Chris - SEE?! That's because I'm not hosting! It's why it's terrible and it's why it downright sucks. It's terrible. Alright? No way around it.

He clings to the camera while Hallie screams in the background.

Chris - Please let me host again.  
Hallie - WE'RE DOOMED!  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We see Darrell and Tanya writing angry blog posts about the shortcoming of the series they're currently on. They look at each other's blog posts and almost kill each other.

Don - Ugh.. that chill on my spine. Next up is... ahhh, no, Darrel and Tanya, the hardcore fans. Yup. Those kinds of fans. I might fire whoever was hired for casting.

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Darrell - Ugh. A race. Did they run out of ideas? We're never going to get back to the only season worth watching, Total Drama Island. And I bet we're gonna have to compete with some really stupid people because that seems to be the trend nowadays. And I SWEAR I saw Zoey on that train and I'm not here for it!  
Tanya - What? Island had a lot of flaws. That's one of your many stupid ideas. Obviously this will never get to the level of World Tour, the best season that has world travel. The first season of the first spin-off was already disappointing with the lack of serious contestants like Duncan.  
Darrell - Yeah, we know you have a teenager crush on the bad boy, good job being the exact dumbed down audience the show is pandering nowadays.  
Tanya - And good job being a nostalgia-goggled freak. That's why your blog has less hits than mine.

Darrel shakes a fist at Tanya.

Darrell - You take that back!  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We show Eve and Garrett acting flirty in a subway seat, and then, right after, Garrett pulling up a bunch of papers with strategy talk on them.

Don - So... Eve and Garrett are next. They suddenly became a couple. Gold material, am I right? I am. Just see the Haters... or the ... Best Friends... or... Nemma... uh...

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Eve - It was a surprise to many people. We did begin going out from nowhere, and, well, I think we really hit it off!  
Garrett - Yup! Online relationships aren't usually genuine, but I could really feel a connection.  
Eve - ...saying 'connection' in that tone makes the whole thing feel less genuine, you know?  
Garrett - Oh, sorry! Anyway, you know, we're here, and we're going to have a good time, and also win. I have some good plans about it.  
Eve - Yes, you've been going on about it for a long time, can you tone it down a bit?

Garrett pouts.

Garrett - Oh, comment negatively on my ideals that's really going to show we have a genuine connection.  
Eve - Stop that!  
Garrett - You stop that!  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We show Gavin and Tosh, who are getting pumped up and accepting nothing less than first, until Gavin gets too pumped up to the point he sleeps.

Don - Then, someone you probably don't know from other reality-shows, never first-placers Gavin and Tosh, the Reality TV Schmos! Yeah, we went there. Flipping the Pros around. Clever ain't we?

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Tosh - 2nd place. 3rd place. 4th place. Name a place. I've been in every place. Every place but 1st place. You think that's funny? It's not funny. It's sad. It's driving me insane. It's absolutely madness. You know how they say hell is repetition? No. Hell is repetition of failure. I know it. I've been there. It's tough.  
Gavin - Woah woah woah dude! Quit it with the heavy stuff, chin up, we're winning this time!  
Tosh - We're definitely winning this time. One way or another, we are, huhuhuhu.  
Gavin - Creepin' me out right there, not a fan of it, a'ight? Look, I lost more than you did. I'm like the master of losing. You want a teacher? I'm your teacher. And the job pays really really badly. Let's make the most out of this.  
Tosh - ...fine, but I'll make more of this than you will! I can't lose on that as well as everything else!  
Gavin - Be my guest I guess.  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We show Samantha and Johnny. Johnny's trying to talk to her but Samantha's just playing on her cellphone talking to other people about important subjects like Luigi.

Don - ...and next is Johnny and Samantha. The Exes. They're using the race as a way to see if they can work together again. Yeah. I don't see the logic on it either.

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Johnny - Uh... this is not going to work.  
Samantha - Really.  
Johnny - We broke up because someone sent her a fake message, and she didn't even consult me. Feels like I'm being persecuted here.  
Samantha - *on a completely different subject* We missed the subway at first but thankfully it came back.  
Johnny - See? When she's not insulting me she's ignoring me.  
Samantha - We missed the subway at first but thankfully it came back.  
Johnny - Someone help me. Zeus, Goku, Pingu, anyone.  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We show Joseph and Zoey sitting on the subway. Joseph is tapping on Zoey's left shoulder (while he's sitting to her right) and when she looks left and misses him he giggles to himself.

Don - Up next is... Joseph and Zoey... the professionals. No. I'm not kidding. Jesus. What the heck. I'm going to assume it's not the negative connotation of that word.

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Zoey - I... sort of disagree with that label, it's pretty mean.  
Joseph - Hey, it's not mean. It's like the nicest word to describe our profession as professionals.  
Zoey - Look, I haven't been unfaithful to Mike even if he's a bit of a weirdo at times.  
Joseph - Woah Zoey, calling your boyfriend a loser on the first confessional?! That's evil!

Zoey quickly realizes her mistake.

Zoey - Wait, wha-  
Joseph - How could you! You really are a sl- I mean professional, sorry.

Zoey glares at him.  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We cut to Jules and Kris. Jules is writing down notes on a notepad, while Kris observes everyone.

Don - Up next is Jules and Kris, the Producers of this Show. Why are they allowed to join the competition? Speak to the producers of this show. Yeah, see the problem?

-CONFESSIONAL-  
Jules - We want to make the whole series a better one, and I think having the mindset of a contestant is going to help us. Of course, we know what dangers await us. We designed some of these tasks.  
Kris - Yes, I want to make sure we can at least satisfy those ungrateful people that keep saying All-Stars is a bad season.  
Jules - Uh, Kris, I know you had a leading role on that, but the ratings don't lie. Be glad that you started an upswing since that.  
Kris - YOU DON'T KNOW THE PAIN.

Jules looks at Kris with a raised eyebrow and shrugs.  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

We see Kami and Loki on the subway. Kami looks at Loki, blushing, but turns away without him noticing. Loki looks at Kami, blushing, then turns away without her noticing.

Don - And finally, Kami and Loki, the tsunderes. I mean, come on, how long are they gonna make this drag on for? It's clear from Second One they're going to end up together.

-CONFESSIONAL-  
They blush harder and harder as the scene goes on.

Kami - I'm glad to be doing this with Loki. One way or another, we'll kick butt.  
Loki - H-he-heh! Be glad I gave you some of my time to join you! It's not like I like you, i-idiot.  
Kami - W-what? Y-you should be glad, you bigger i-idiot. I just needed someone to help me, it's- that's all!  
Loki - B-but you just s-said you were g-glad. Not that I... care...  
Kami - I was just... uh... saying that to make you feel better about yourself... obviously... don't read into it, dummy!  
Loki - ...Don't expect me to thank y-you!

This goes on for a while.  
-END CONFESSIONAL-

* * *

Everybody walks up to Don at the boobs of The Statue of Liberty.

Don - Hello! You 12 teams will be on a race for the million! Here's how it's going to work, this race will have a lot of legs-  
Joseph - Like a centipede?  
Don - Exactly like anything other than a centipede. Each leg ends in a Chill Zone. Be the last to arrive and you may be eliminated.  
Darrell - We know, we watched the show, can we get going? I swear Island didn't have this sort of problems that got really bad with All-Stars.

Kris hears Darrell's comment and looks at him, angrily. Don cools himself down before continuing, and shows their RVs on the starting line.

Don - But there's a twist! You'll be riding an RV for the whole race. The Ridonculous Vehicle! If you arrive at the Chillzone without your vehicle you're automatically disqualified.  
Eve - Oooh, I've always wanted to ride in one of those and go on a road trip! It's actually kind of romantic.  
Gavin - I know right? Makes you feel like a musician.

Eve looks at Garrett, who basically missed her not so subtle comment, and she sighs.

Don - Whoever wins the last leg wins the whole million, but there's another twist!  
Tanya - Oh, great, twists on top of twists, that's clearly what this series needs.  
Don - Whoever wins this FIRST leg, gets a nifty prize called the Task Bypass. That means, if they get stuck on a Task that's hard, they can simply skip it! They'll also get a second Task Bypass that they need to give to another team, so get bonding.  
Ashton - Can we just burn the second Task Bypass?  
Felix - Yeah, why do we have to help someone who ranked lower than us?  
Hallie - Yes, burn it like this show is burning the ratings of the franchise!  
Chris - Burn it to the ground!  
Samantha - Can we drive the RV as Luigi he's my favourite.  
Don - Tempting offer, but no. To all of you. Ah, one last thing.

A bell rings, similarly to the one in World Tour

Chris - Oh, no.  
Don - Oh, yes! Back from World Tour, the fan favourite songs! Whenever that bell rings, a designated group of people will have to sing a song! Be it about the task, team dynamics, anything you want.  
Oscar - Uh, is it optional?  
Don - Nope. Don't sing when prompted to, and you're out. Should be enough motivation.  
Tanya - Of all aspects to bring back from World Tour you bring this one?  
Ashton - What, don't know how to sing? Because I'm a Diva on it.  
Tanya - Ugh.  
Alfred - I'm all for it. Now, if there isn't anything else, Hey, Ho, Let's Go! _Emoticon colonthree_

Don - Yup! Now, you can hurry to the box and get your tip for your first location!

* * *

They all begin running! And trampling over each other! OH THE HORROR.

Mary - I hope it's Paris so I can see the great expositions of the Louvre!  
Agnes - I hope it's Australia so we can meet Bridgette!  
Lucy - And I, Banged La Desh!  
Alfred - Alright, now let's go kick some ass! And check out some too. _Emoticon colonthree_

Jules looks at Lucy and Alfred and then turns to Kris  
Jules - I'm starting to see why you banned them from the group.

The Slayers get their clue first.  
Ashton - Attitude City? Bet it's not as much attitude as we got.  
Felix - Let's teach them a lesson in being badass.

Followed by The Hardcore Fans  
Darrell - Attitude City? What a boring name. I miss the interesting names like Wawanakwa, before it was butchered by All-Stars. And I see that Zoey's here, so I guess this season's ruined already!  
Tanya - Yeah, shut up, let's get moving.

Followed by The Banned Ones and The Tsunderes  
Alfred - Never heard of it _Emoticon colonthree_ Wished I didn't too.  
Kami - Attitude-  
Loki - City!  
Kami - Why did you interrupt me?!  
Loki - It's-it's not like I did it to get your attention.  
Kami - Well, it's not like I cared anyway!

Followed by The Sudden Couple  
Garrett - Jeez, they have problems.  
Eve - ...not only them, you dummy.  
Garrett - Hey, don't start acting like a tsundere too, I'm not into a twisted relationship like that.  
Eve - *Laughs* I know, I was teasing you.  
Garrett - *Blushes* Sure...

Followed by The Producers, The Ridonculous Haters and The Stalkermance.  
Kris - Attitude City!  
Jules - Well, it's not like we didn't knew it was going to be that.  
Chris - Hey, uh, producers, you know, I really think what these seasons actually need is a bit more a McLean Spice!  
Jules - Yeah, you're the Total Drama host, Chris, not the Ridonculous one. Different shows, different hosts.  
Hallie - BUT CAN'T YOU SEE THE SHOW IS DYING?  
Jules - No, it's not, ratings are at an all-time high.  
Hallie - It's DYING!  
Carl - Mary what should we do I need your guidance also do you wanna join a game I made later  
Mary - Carl, you're not the brains, you're the buddy. The buddy's job is to let the brains think. And right now I'm trying to remember how to drive a stick.  
Carl - Sure Mary.

Followed by The Reality TV Schmos  
Tosh - Gavin this is NOT FIRST PLACE I REPEAT WE'RE NOT CURRENTLY IN NOT FIRST PLACE.  
Gavin - Man, we didn't even start! Let's get on the RV and go to first place, alright. Positive attitude!  
Tosh - Positive thinking is losers' thinking! Winners are already on top! We need to go, fast!

Followed by The Fanboys and The Professionals  
Agnes - We're already on the back.  
Oscar - Don't worry, that just make us even bigger underdogs!  
Agnes - You're right, let's go and prove the world wrong!  
Oscar - For Dawn!  
Agnes - For Bridgette!  
Joseph - Would be cool if you had that spirit for yourselves, but that's okay too.  
Zoey - Let's get moving, Joseph, I don't want them to have this random crush on me too.  
Joseph - Sure, if you think they're weirdos that even you wouldn't do, just tell them.  
Zoey - Let's just get moving.  
Agnes - ...so beautiful.

Finally followed by the Exes, currently in last place.  
Johnny - Attitude City?! Samantha, get moving!  
Samantha - Alright, sorry. You need to stop being mean.  
Johnny - Really?  
Samantha - Really.  
Johnny - Ughhhh...

They get into their RVs and SET OFF!

Don - And there we have it. The exciting start of an exciting new season. They're all set out for their first destination, and the winner of the first leg wins the Task Bypass. Who will win? Who will lose? The Ridonculous Vape will continue!

* * *

 **CHEAT SHEET:  
**

 **Agnes and Oscar - The Fanboys  
Alfred and Lucy - The Banned Ones  
Ashton and Felix - The Slayers  
Carl and Mary - The Stalkermance  
Chris and Hallie - The Ridonculous Haters  
Darrell and Tanya - The Hardcore Fans  
Eve and Garrett - The Sudden Couple  
Gavin and Tosh - The Reality TV Schmos  
Johnny and Samantha - The Exes  
Joseph and Zoey - The Professionals  
Julie and Kris - The Producers  
Kami and Loki - The Tsunderes**

* * *

 **\- Next time, on "Welcome to Attitude City, Pt. 2"**

 **\- Everyone is Welcomed into Attitude City! In a pretty unexpected manner.**


	2. Ch2: Welcome To Attitude City, Pt 2

**DISCLAIMER:** This is a story for fun. I don't own the Total Drama characters used here, nor do I own the people from who those characters are based on. If it seems to fit your personality, then you should reflect about your life because it's only the shoe fitting. Nothing in here is meant in anything else than good, harmless fun, except when it does mean something more than that. An actually serious (somewhat) story for once! No animals this time around!

 **DISCLAIMER TWO:** Happens right after Ridonculous Race, when the show is immediately renewed.

 **DISCLAIMER THREE:** Drop a review to show who you're rooting for!

* * *

 **THE RIDONCULOUS VAPE  
** **Episode 1, Part 2 - Welcome to Attitude City**

* * *

Don is on the top of a RV.

Don - Welcome back to the Ridonculous Vape! Last time, the teams were introduced and realized they're going to Attitude City! Who will win the first lag and the Task Bypass? Find out right now I guess.

The RV enters a tunnel and Don hits the wall face-first. The intro plays and we cut to the RV belonging to the Slayers.

The Slayers' RV

Ashton and Felix enter the RV, and Felix takes the wheel. They quickly get out of the parking lot and into the road.

Ashton - First out of the gate! Winning's great!

Felix - Was there ever any doubt? *Checks the glove compartment* Ah, no map here.

Ashton - No map on this side either, we'll have to stop for some information ahead. *Pause* Ah, are you already thinking on who we should give the Task Bypass once we inevitably win?

Felix - Just give it to the worse team, so it doesn't bite us in the butt.

Ashton - Oh, good idea.

Felix - I know, that's why I thought of it.

Hardcore Fans' RV

Tanya enters and takes the wheel.

Tanya - Look, we can't fall behind those so-called Slayers. Let's get moving towards this 'Attitude City' place. Ugh, World Tour had actually cool locations, and we didn't have to worry about 'getting there'.

Darrell - Just stop ahead and I'll ask someone where we should go. I'm much more of a people person than you are.

Tanya - *Looks at him, laughing* You're kidding, right?

Darrell - What? Do you think your wannabe "tough guy" attitude is going to score points with anyone? You like World Tour, just drive, leave the thinking to me.

*Tanya grits her teeth*

The Banned Ones' RV

Lucy takes the wheel, and looks around at the RV.

Lucy - Ooooh, I like this one. This is going to make for a sick road trip. *She taps the wheel* I call top bunk!

Alfred - I call... bottom :3

Lucy - ...noice.

Alfred - Ah, by the way, do we have a radio?

Lucy - Yes we do. Getting Radio-Active here! *Turns the radio on*

Freddie Mercury begins to play, in booming volume.

Freddie Mercury - Don't stop me now!

Alfred - YES, Freddie Mercury!

Freddie Mercury - Because I'm having a good ti-

Suddenly, Freddie Mercury is interrupted by a news report.

News - *Interrupts* We're sorry to interrupt but Route 69 towards Attitude City is blocked because of an accident. You should take-

Alfred - Quick, change it back to the music!

Lucy - AHHH! *Gets a CD and puts it on, interrupting the news*

Peter Gabriel - You can be a big dipper!

Alfred - Now that's better :3.

The Tsunderes' RV

They also have their radio on. Loki is on the wheel.

News - ...blocked because of an accident. You should take Route 42 instead.

Loki - Oh, seems like we lucked out. Now we know where to go!

Kami - I hope no one else heard that.

Kami sits on the passanger's seat. Loki begins sweating bullets.

Kami - Hm, what's it?

Loki - Uh- it's not- it's not like you're sitting too close to me or anything!

He scooches himself over on his seat to get a bit further away.

Kami - It's ah, n-not like I meant anything by it!

News - Now, back to your music programming.

Beatles - I wanna hold your haaand, I wanna hold your haand!

Kami - Holding h-hands?! H-how l-lewd!

The Sudden Couple's RV

Eve and Garrett pass the Tsunderes.

Garrett - Afraid to hold hands? They really want to milk this relationship for as long as they can, right? Or are they just that innocent?

Eve - Yeah, I guess.

Garrett - Anyway, we're already doing great! Passed a team, and there are only 3 others ahead of us. We'll take first place in no time.

Eve - Yeah, I guess.

Garrett - Are you going to keep answering that to everything?

Eve stands up and goes explore the RV

Eve - Yeah, I guess.

Garrett - What's up with her?

CONFESSIONAL - Eve - How can someone laugh at someone else for being dense and be just as dense, if not more? Ugh...

Eve - It's hard to pretend everything's alright, and I'm getting tired of keeping up appearances...

The Producers' RV

Jules takes the wheel, and begins setting off right away. She opens up a hidden box on the gloves compartment and takes out a map.

Jules - Hope we're the only ones to find out about this.

Kris - Ah yes, sure!

Kris is still climbing onto the RV and faceplants onto the ground.

Kris - Ughhhhh...

Jules - Come on, we need to catch up! We know the route so we should have an upper hand on the other teams, let's not let our advantage go to waste.

Kris - Couldn't we just slip Don a promotion so he makes one of the legs we come in behind a non-elimination leg.

Jules - Uh, we could. But. Don't you want to beat the team that called All-Stars garbage?

Suddenly, there's fire on Kris' eyes.

Kris - Yes. Let's DO this.

Jules - That's what I like to see.

Kris pushes Jules off the driver's seat and puts the pedal to the metal.

Jules - That may be too much.

The Ridonculous Haters' RV

Chris, with a cape, enters the RV exclaiming words of honor and glory.

Chris - Follow that RV!

Hallie - Yes! We need to find the producers so I can give them my ideas on how to make the series stop dying!

Chris - And I need to give them my ideas on how I should also host this series!

Hallie - Chris, I can't believe it, we're so in-sync! We both want the best to the show.

Chris - And for my pockets.

Hallie - Let's go and SAVE TOTAL DRAMA!

Chris - YES!

Super-hero music begins to play as they drive away into the sunset.

The Stalkermance RV

Mary takes the wheel.

Mary - No map. Thsk. Is there a paper here?

Carl - Yes, sirlady! *He takes out a napkin from a side compartment*

Mary - Excellent.

Mary scribbles a full map of the world in the napkin.

Mary - Attitude City is here, to the north. So we need to take Route 42 towards it.

Carl - Isn't Route 69 shorter?

Mary - ARE YOU DOUBTING MY INTELLECT?

Mary pushes him down and stomps on him.

Mary - I HAVE ALREADY TAKEN THAT INTO ACCOUNT, YOU FOOL, MY BRAIN IS FLAWLESS. THERE IS A LARGER POSSIBILITY OF AN ACCIDENT ON ROUTE 69, AND IF THERE IS ONE, WE'RE DOOMED! ALL OUR TIME WILL BE WASTED!

Carl - Oh, uh, sure.

Mary goes back to the map, and begins to think.

She goes into a state of transcendence, and the streets of the world are mapped on her head.

Mary - Actually no. I see it. We don't need to take Route 42. There is an even shorter path.

Carl - Is there?

Mary - YES YOU IDIOT, WE CAN TAKE A SHIP THAT WILL CARRY OUR RV THROUGH THE SHORTEST POSSIBLE PATH!

Carl - ...you're freaking me out Mary I'm beginning to get scared.

CONFESSIONAL - Carl - I don't want to think about it, but will I have to block Mary on the future? Oh my god.

He falls on the ground, crying.

Carl - Oh my god.

The Reality TV Schmos' RV

Tosh takes the wheel.

Tosh - Hurry, Gavin! We need to hurry! We're on the back of the pack and that's slowly driving me insane!

Gavin - Alright man, you know what, let's do this.

Tosh begins to drive, but the RV barely moves. The teams behind them pass them as well.

Tosh - WHAT. HOW COULD THIS BE. THIS RV IS BROKEN.

Gavin - ...are you serious with me.

Tosh - IT'S BROKEN, I SWEAR

Gavin sighs, and pushes Tosh out of the driver's seat.

Gavin - ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH ME?

His face begins to get increasingly scarier to the point where it's something like this:

. .full.

Gavin - YOU WANT TO WIN A RACE AND YET-

He begins walking towards Tosh like a limping zombie, devoid of any limiter.

Gavin - YOU NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE A STICK? AND YOUR ATTITUDE IS TO SAY YOU'RE BEING ROBBED?

He gets closer to Tosh's face, who's now sweating bullets.

Gavin - I'M BEGINNING TO REGRET JOINING YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WIN.

He sits back on the driver's chair.

Gavin - Alright let's do this! *Begins driving super fast*

Tosh can just sit and stare, scared out of his mind.

CONFESSIONAL - Gavin - Do I like winning? Yes. But own my own merits and with my own effort. I may have gone a bit overboard there, but Tosh may be starting to piss me off.

The Fanboys' RV

Agnes - Can you drive?

Oscar - No. Can you drive?

Agnes - No. Can he drive?

He points towards a butler.

Butler - Yes. Yes I can drive, indeed.

Oscar - We're saved!

Agnes - See?! We're the underdogs, we can always do it!

Oscar - Yes! There is nothing that can stand in the way of the underdogs, because even when the world is conspiring against them, they'll squeeze by! Dawn, we'll avenge you!

Agnes - And Bridgette, we'll avenge you too!

Butler - My, my, that was really a tough break, wasn't it?

Agnes - What?

Butler - If you weren't lucky to get the Butler RV, you'd be toast, wouldn't it.

Oscar - Uh, I mean...

Dramatic shot from below.

Oscar - Does that mean we're only getting by...

Agnes - through luck?!

Incredibly worried looks go through their faces.

PAN PAN PAN.

The Professionals' RV

Zoey takes the wheel.

Zoey - Leave it to me, because I, Zoey, can do everything!

Joseph - Yes you can, you dirty you, giggity :3

Zoey - Hey, now don't go saying that...

Joseph - And this is a good RV, because while someone's driving the other can be getting some money in the room back there...

Zoey - Uh... Joseph, don't...

Zoey begins sweating a river.

Joseph - Oh man, what if we meet previous contestants? Can you imagine Scott here? On these blankets, with his rugged farm-boy chest out in the open.

Zoey bites her own lips, imagining the scene

Joseph - You'd use his shirt to tie his wrists to the bed, and he'd just be there, defenseless, to your own very Zoey-ish whims, isn't that right?

Zoey - STOP IT!

Joseph - ...fine, if you so wish.

Joseph smirks. He knows he's getting to her.

CONFESSIONAL - Zoey - FINE. You know what? I AM getting affected by that. It's not like Mike ever takes the initiative, and I've spent most of my life 'til now on my own...

Zoey - Is it bad to get a little bit pent up?

The Exes' RV

Johnny begins to drive.

Samantha - Are you driving?

Johnny - Yes.

Samantha - Really.

Johnny - Really.

Samantha - Well you should, since you were using me.

Johnny slams his fist on the wheel

Johnny - I WASN'T USING YOU! YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THAT THE NAME ON THE PRINT WAS SPELLED WRONG?

Samantha - ...idk...

Johnny - Ah, man, you know what, it's not worth it.

Samantha - If only Luigi was here to help us he's a good Mario Kart driver.

Johnny - Shut up with Luigi, it's getting annoying.

Samantha - Really

Johnny - NOOT NOOT!

Johnny sighs.

Johnny - ...what's wrong with us, huh? How far have we fallen. I remember when I was living. It was good.

Samantha - Idk.

Johnny sighs again.

And after a quick round of everyone's RV's, awayyy they go! Quick cuts between everyone's RV. While most teams are asking for directions, Jules/Kris and Loki/Kami manage to get a lead by knowing they need to take Route 42, and Mary/Carl head towards the pier.

The others ask bystanders that don't know there's an accident on Route 69.

Ashton - Alright, so, route 69? Got it.

Darrell - Route 69? Oh, that's such a creative route name I'm trembling.

Lucy - I have gone down Route 69 many times. Nice to see it again.

Garrett - Hurry, Route 69! They're getting ahead of us!

Eve - Yeah, I guess.

Garrett - Gosh Freakin' Darn It!

Hallie - THE SHOW IS DYING!

Meanwhile, at the entrance of Route 42/69, just after Jules/Kris and Kami/Loki enter Route 42; an evil shadow twirls its mustache and turns the sign that points towards Route 42 around, pointing it towards Route 69 instead, and vice-versa.

Shadow - MWAHAHAHA, I'm an evil genius! Everyone who thinks they're going to Route 42 will be instead stuck on the accident of Route 69! That's what they get for not putting me on the show.

Muttley - *Barks like a dog*

Shadow - Yes, they shall fear me! They shall rue the day that they didn't allow me to join the show! MWAHAHA.

Muttley - *Snickers like a dog*

Everyone that wasn't already on Route 42 goes towards Route 42 thinking they're going towards Route 69.

Shadow - What? Drat! Double Drat! Drat-Drat-Drat!

Muttley - *Chuckles like a dog and gets knocked in the head*

Shadow - I'll get them, I swear!

Mary/Cole arrive in Attitude CIty.

Mary - As planned. We are in first place!

Carl - Yes, of course!

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Hey, punk, welcome to Attitude City! A city for tough guys like me who have a diploma from the University of freaking Keeping it Real. Can you keep it real?

Carl - AHHH! Dude's Scary AND annoying! *Blocks him*

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - What. Anyway, here's your tip, sane lady: it's an either or.

Mary - Ah of course.

Carl - What did he say? Sorry I actually can't hear him now.

Don appears out of thin air to explain the either or.

Don - In this either or, teams must either water my grandma's daisies, or go to an incredibly bad-ass Zoo Party.

Mary - We're going to water his grandma's daisies.

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Nice. I like you. You have guts. Here's your black belt in Amazing.

He throws her a Black Belt. Mary looks at the skies.

Mary - Mom, dad. I finally did it. A nerd like me got a black belt in amazing. This is a day for the ages.

They go to the Grandma's Daisies. The Producers and the Tsunderes arrive at the Tough Attractive Biker Guy right after.

Jules - Either or, right?

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Uh, yeah, how did you know?

Jules - Just intuition. Let's go to the Zoo Party!

Kris - Ah, yeah, sure! I guess! Probably. Don't remember which is easier for us.

The Tough Attractive Biker Guy turns towards Kami, in a flirtatious tone. By the way, he's REALLY attractive.

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - And hey, you, cutie pie, which option of the Either Or are you doing?

Kami - What? *She stares at him, not being affected at all*

Loki - It's- it's- not like I'm j-jealous, but he's flirting with you.

Kami - Ah, it's-it's not like I like someone else, but I'm n-not interested in that biker guy.

Loki - It's- it's not like I want to k-kiss you, Kami, so why are you telling me that?

Kami - It's - it's not like I want to push you down and e-eat chocolate out of your belly button or anything, don't get any wrong ideas, eek!

They just stand there, blushing. The Tough Attractive Biker Guy push them towards the Zoo Party and is just completely perplexed.

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Am I behind on dating? That... that was just weird.

CONFESSIONAL - Jules - To be fair, I don't think we really looked into the locals of Attitude City when making this route.

Kris - Yup, I thought they'd have more attitude. But they even gave us complimentary goody bags for coming here.

More and more teams pick their detour options.

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Welcome to Attitude City I hope you have a badass time.

Ashton - ...are you kidding me? Is this Attitude City?

Felix - This just feels like they're trying to be edgy, ugh. You always get surprised with how bad some things can get.

Ashton - Let's just get to the Zoo Party, which seems like the less lame of the options.

Felix - 'Less lame' doesn't matter much since it's still incredibly -lame.

Tanya - Man, this is a lame tough guy. If Duncan was here this could pass off with a city with attitude.

Darrell - Oh my god we get it you want to have his babies you don't need to keep announcing it.

Tanya - Aghhh, as if you have something better to say!

Darrell - I do, in fact, I could begin detailing the ways this city is incredibly worse than Wawanakwa.

Tanya - Let's just water some daisies.

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Please tell me you're sane.

Lucy - For you I'm whatever you want me to be 3.

Alfred - He's really an attractive biker guy :3

Lucy - And tough too.

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Hey, thanks. I'm definitely the baddest dude on the block, after all.

Lucy - Cool. Should we bring him along for the ride?

Alfred - Maybe, the trip might be better with more friends. But for now, it's Daisy Time :3

Garrett - You don't look so tough.

The Tough Attractive Biker Guy pulls Garrett by the collarbone.

Garrett - Okay you are pretty tough.

The Tough Attractive Biker Guy puts Garrett down.

Eve - Should we go to the Zoo? It might be fun too!

Garrett - Nah, let's water the daisies, It should be faster.

Eve pouts.

Chris - Hey, tough guy. Wouldn't it be better if I hosted the show?

Hallie - There needs to be some chance, the ratings keep falling all the time!

Chris - Yes, and my middle name is Change!

Hallie - Chris Change McLean, to bring back the show from being cancelled!

Chris - Yes! It's a must!

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Why are you telling me this.

Tosh - WE'RE TOO FAR BEHIND, TOUGH ATTRACTIVE BIKER GUY WHAT SHOULD WE DO.

Gavin - I dunno, let's Water the Daisies.

Tosh - ...it's scary how you're back to being calm this quickly.

Joseph - Hey Zoey, don't you want to carress the chest of this biker guy?

Zoey - May... I mean, no! No I don't! Not this rugged, well-defined chest, with a six-pack, it's not a delicious chest at all!

Joseph - Whatever you say :3

Agnes - What should we do?

Oscar - I like animals, so the Zoo?!

Agnes - I like animals too!

Oscar - Omg like Dawn and Bridgette!

Agnes - Yesss!

Butler - I believe the Watering of the Daisies is the better option, my friends. I'm quite good at that.

Oscar - Then... uh... I guess we'll do that.

Johnny - Let's go to the Zoo maybe I'll see Pingu.

Samantha - But I want to water the daisies because I like Luigi and I'm his Daisy.

Joseph hears them from off-screen

Joseph - So you want to get wet, huh?

Samantha - Idk

Johnny - Zoo!

Samantha - Daisies!

Johnny - Daisies!

Samantha - Zoo!

Johnny - Okay we're going to the Zoo.

Samantha - Really?

Perplexed, she's carried to the Zoo.

\- ON THE ZOO -

Everyone is in a horsey Merry-go-Round.

Kris - ...I'm getting sick...

Ashton - I change my mind. The other option couldn't possibly be lamer than this.

Kris jumps off and begins to puke, meaning they'll restart the detour.

Jules - You okay?

Kris - Not really.

\- ON THE DAISY GARDEN -

Everyone has gardening costumes and are delicately watering the plants.

Carl - This is harder than it seems.

Alfred - Like my pe-

Carl - Blocked.

Alfred - :3

People begin to finish the challenges quickly! They get their tip on how they need to ride sick motorcycles towards Attitude Cliffs.

Don - It's the Attitude Cliffs, perfect for spots for finish lines. And so this is our first finish line! Who will arrive first and get the Task Bypass?!

The Tsunderes and Slayers arrive in their bikes from the sky and are neck to neck!

Ashton - Hey, why don't you give up and start making out already!

Felix - I mean, come on, I've seen more relationship progress between Gwen and Trent.

Kami - W-w-what! I don't want to kiss him or anything! *Twirls her fingers* Where are you getting that idea from? Everything's just so pointless...

Ashton - Wait... that wasn't an act? Is she serious? Dear god.

Loki - That was uncalled for!

Felix - What, mad that we're teasing your crush?

Loki - S-she's- she's- not my crush! I don't want to k-kiss her or anything.

Ashton and Felix just stop for a split second, in awe that's something like that is even possible.

Don - And the Tsunderes win the first round and get a Task Bypass! They'll also need to give a Task Bypass to someone else.

Kami - I guess just give it to these two guys, since.. nothing's going my way...

Don - What are you talking about, you just won.

Ashton - Wait, are we really getting a Task Bypass too?

Felix - ...that was a real dumb move on her part.

Don - Ah, well, Slayers, you're second place. Slay better next time.

Ashton - We were just caught off-guard by how unbelievable some of these other contestants can be. We'll do better for sure.

Don - Sure. On that note...

Don - Stalkermance, you're 3rd!

Don - Boring Couple, you're 4th!

Don - Banned from the Group, you're 5th! Why did you bring the Tough Attractive Biker Guy with you?

Alfred - He's on our team now :3

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Yup :3

Don - Hardcore Fans, you're 6th!

Tanya - Terrible position.

Don - Don't care. Reality TV Schmos, you're 7th!

Tosh - Terribl-er position.

Don - Don't care even more. Fanboys, you're 8th.

Butler - Thanks to me, after all. They really got lucky on the draw.

Agnes - No, it wasn't luck! It was through underdog effort!

Butler - You can keep telling yourself that.

Don - Professionals, you're 9th!

Don - Ridonculous Haters, you're 10th. Only two teams left.

Hallie - Our position is bad like the ratings of this show!

Chris - And bad as the host's abilities to host!

Don - ...could you shut up...

Chris - SEE?! That wasn't even a witty remark!

Don - Ugh, anyway - It's between the Exes and the Producers for last place! And here THEY COME!

They're driving motorcycles to the mat, it's close! It's close! And...

Johnny and Samantha barely make it to the mat.

Johnny - We...we're still in. Whew.

Samantha - We almost lost it but then we didn't so I guess Jules and Kris lost!

Don - She's right. Weird. But right.

Jules/Kris sigh.

Don - It pains me to say this, because you basically give me my paycheck, but you're out of the race.

Kris - And we never got our revenge in that guy who was badmouthing All-Stars...

Jules - Ahhh, even though we knew the route beforehand.

Don - Guess knowing is only half the battle.

Don pushes them out of the way.

Don - 11 Teams Remain! Who will be going next? Who will the Tsunderes give the second Task Bypass to? Find out next time, on The Ridonculous Vape.

-PRODUCERS - FINAL WORDS-

Jules - We kinda sucked.

Kris - Ahh, but it's been real, and it's been fun.

Jules - Yeah, but it wasn't real fun.

Kris - I think we learned a valuable lesson for future seasons, though.

Jules - Ah, really? And what was it?

Kris - Being a contestant on these shows sucks.

Jules - Couldn't have said it better myself.

Next time on THE RIDONCULOUS VAPE

Lucy - Oh my god, it was Earth all along!

Eve - Where is the Earth's last Starbucks?

Felix - The biggest and saggiest breasts I've ever seen.

Don't miss Episode 3: It was Earth All Oolong!


	3. Ch3: It was Earth all Oolong!

**DISCLAIMER:** This is a story for fun. I don't own the Total Drama characters used here, nor do I own the people from who those characters are based on. If it seems to fit your personality, then you should reflect about your life because it's only the shoe fitting. Nothing in here is meant in anything else than good, harmless fun, except when it does mean something more than that. An actually serious (somewhat) story for once! No animals this time around!

 **DISCLAIMER TWO:** Happens right after Ridonculous Race, when the show is immediately renewed.

 **DISCLAIMER THREE:** Drop a review to show who you're rooting for!

* * *

So here's Episode 3! After the first boot, things will get more complicated. Let's see how!

* * *

 **THE RIDONCULOUS VAPE**

 **Episode 3 - It was Earth All Oolong**

* * *

The recap plays as normal, cutting through parts of the previous episode.

Don - Last time on our special two-parter premiere of the Ridonculous Vape -

Don - 12 teams ranging from terrible to somehow even worse set course towards Attitude City, and a mysterious shadow helped make some teams avoid going into a wrong direction.

Don - In the end, the Tsunderes won, and gave their second Task Bypass to the Slayers, who now want to be called the Divas, because apparently that's a thing.

Don - And though they knew the course, the producers learned that knowing was just half the battle, and when they completely failed the challenge, they came in last and were eliminated.

Don - 11 teams remain! Who will be the next team to be cut from the race? Find out NOW, in The Ridonculous Race!

* * *

The intro plays, and we cut to Don on the Attitude Cliffs.

* * *

Don - The Tsunderes, Kami and Loki, are the firsts to get their clue.

Kami - ...we're going to Desolate Beach?

Don - Yes, Desolate Beach! A place so desolate it's almost like bringing your loved one to a deserted island! In Desolate Beach, no one can hear you moan! You see what I'm getting at here?

Loki - ...it'-it's n-

Don - SHUT UUUUUP. Anyway, there will be a boat to take you to Desolate Beach. It can carry 4 teams at most, so try to hurry up, will 'ya.

* * *

Confessional - THE TSUNDERES

Kami - I'm glad we ended up in first! We really work well.

Loki - Y-yeah, we do, but m-mostly because I carry y-you.

Kami - E-eh? More like I car-carry you!

* * *

They both accidentally imagine a bridal carry and try to erase the image from their minds. In both imaginations, Kami is the one carrying Loki.

Kami - N-not like that.

Loki - Y-yeah, pfft, how could it be.

They begin kissing each other.

Don - Oh, okay, keep it family friendly.

Ashton and Felix grab their tip and shove Kami and Loki out of the way. Kami lands on top of Loki.

Kami - I'm just- just going to k-kiss you because it's a hassle to get up don't t-take this any other way.

Loki - L-like, I would, s-stupid.

Felix - ...are you serious?

Ashton just shrugs

* * *

Confessional - THE DIVAS

Ashton - We changed our names to 'The Divas', because we really put 'The Slayers' as a joke. Didn't expect the producers to fall for it but I guess we keep overestimating other people.

Felix - And, of course, if you say you slay, slay you nay. We don't want to get a bad rep for trying hard when we can do that naturally.

Ashton - So meet our new team, the Straight-Up Divas.

Felix - Straight? *Tries to contain laughter*

Ashton - You know what I mean.

* * *

Mary and Carl get their tip.

Mary - Desolate beach? That's not an actual place on any map. There's something strange going on and I intend to find out what it is.

Garrett - Don't be such a worrywart, they even put the route we need to follow this time around, let's get going.

Mary - There's a difference between being a worrywart and having common sense, but I guess you'd *snort* wouldn't know that.

Garrett - I want you to say that again when we beat you on this leg.

Carl - STOP HITTING ON MARY *Blocks Garrett* LET'S GO MARY, YOU'RE MINE.

Eve - You were hitting on her?

Garrett - No, of course not. You're taking Carl's word seriously?

Eve - If you were more trustworthy, then maybe I wouldn't.

Garrett - Well maybe you should trust me more!

Eve - Well maybe you should pay more attention to me!

Garrett - Well maybe I'll try!

Eve - Well maybe thank you!

Alfred and Lucy pass both of these bickering teams.

Alfred - Well maybe see ya, weirdos :3

Lucy - There's going to be some make-up sex, I can feel it.

* * *

Confessional - THE BANNED FROM THE GROUP

Alfred - Now that we have Biker Guy we can't call ourselves Banned from the Group anymore, so let's brainstorm some new team names.

Tough Attractive Biker Guy - Also, now that I'm not carrying my bike around, I can't be a Tough Attractive Biker Guy anymore.

Lucy - Then just be a Tough Attractive Punk. TAP, for short.

Alfred - I'd TAP that.

Lucy - Anyway, I have a team name idea!

* * *

Alfred, Lucy and Tough Attractive Punk get in their RV and set off to Desolate Beach, now being called 'The Misters Fahrenheits'.

Soon after, the Hardcore Fans, TV Schmos and Fanboys get their tips.

Agnes - Ugh, Jules and Kris are out? Of course the only all-female team is out, as if this show couldn't be any more sexist.

Oscar - Yeah, they didn't deserve this! There's a bunch of all-male teams that should have gone first.

Darrell - What are you talking about, they lost fair and square.

Tanya - Shh... common sense doesn't work with these guys.

Agnes - Tanya, you should look out. You're a girl, so your time here is going to be short.

Tanya's left eye twitches in anger.

Tanya - ...what did you just say?

Agnes - Total Drama is sexist, so girls don't make it far.

Tanya - You're doubting my capacity to kick your asses? Because you're going out next if I have any say on it.

Oscar - *Arrogant* Keh, Tanya, Tanya, Tanya. We're not mocking you, we're just stating the sad reality of this show. Girls and underdogs don't get far. We want to change this, so feel free to join us.

Tanya - ...if the show is sexist and girls don't get far, doesn't that already give you a huge advantage for just being guys.

Oscar - ...what?

Butler - Masters, I believe she's saying you are not the underdogs, as you're being blessed by luck and blessed by having male genitalia.

Agnes - No, we're the underdogs!

Oscar - Yeah, shut up, butler! Now go and drive us to Desolate Beach.

Butler - Fair enough. I was just being the messenger, why yes.

They leave towards the RV, Tanya is just staring in disbelief.

Tanya - I CAN'T THEY'RE TOO MUCH MAN

Darrell - Now you know how I feel being stuck in this team with you.

Tanya - OH DON'T YOU EVEN START.

* * *

Confessional - THE HARDCORE FANS

Darrell - We don't really have a lot of competition here, like every non-Island season, it seems the majority of teams are just comic relief.

Tanya - For once, I agree with him. We pretty much won already. Would give myself the million already in order to save yourself the trouble of another bad season.

Darrell - Don't try to get away with this, it's half a million each.

Tanya - How come when I'm doing all the work?

Darrell - You little-

* * *

Gavin gets the clue for the TV Schmos, but Tosh is sitting on the ground and flicking some rocks around.

Gavin - TOSH, LET'S GO!

Tosh - I, I can't... I got 8th. I don't think I should play anymore I can never win everyone is against me.

Gavin - OF COURSE YOU WON'T WIN IF YOU JUST GIVE UP.

Tosh - No, they're all just hating on me.

Gavin - ...look, you want to win?

Tosh - Yes...

Gavin - THEN STOP BEING A WHINY BABY.

Tosh - No...

Gavin throws Tosh on the RV against his will and begins driving away, fuming.

The Professionals, Ridonculous Haters and Exes finally get their tips.

Joseph - Desolate Beach! Thinking of taking anyone there for some fun times?

Zoey - I already told you, no! I'm with Mike, and Mike's not ready for it.

Joseph - I bet Vito would be up for it, if you could bring him back.

Zoey - Ah, yeah, but Mike doesn't have his personalities any-

Joseph - Or Manitoba, he would like to get down and dirty. Svetlana would be super flexible which could be fun, and uh, there's also Chester if you're into that.

Zoey - No, I'm not going to have sex with any of Mike's personalities!

Joseph - But you're not denying you're into Chester's wrinkly old di-

Zoey - Shut uuuup.

Zoey pops a vein.

Meanwhile, Chris is crying.

Chris - The... the producers went home before I could plead my case to win. How will the great McLean be able to salvage this dying show now?!

Hallie - With producers like that, it's NO WONDER THAT THE SHOW IS DYING!

Chris swipes a tear and pumps his fists, looking at the stars.

Chris - Yes. They have failed their mission. It's up to us to take matters onto our own hands, carry the torch and bear the burden!

Hallie - For AMERICA!

Chris - ...you mean Canada.

Hallie - Ah, that too.

Johnny - That is getting tiring. Pingu will noot-noot you into oblivion if you keep that up.

Chris - Eh, shut up, fodder.

Johnny - Really

* * *

Confessional - THE EXES

Johnny - You know this is just awkward...

Samantha - I like Luigi.

Johnny - Pingu would beat Luigi up any day.

Samantha - No. Adam would beat you up more cus he's Luigi and I'm Daisy

Johnny - Stop talking about Adam, do you even know why we joined this race?

Samantha - Idk

Johnny - Really

* * *

Everyone goes in their RV around the world towards desolate beach! They pass each other and mock each other on the way. The Boring Couple pass the Misters Fahrenheits.

Garrett - Haha! Thought you could stay ahead of us, did you?!

Eve - Garrett, don't.

They move on. Lucy and Alfred shake their heads in shock.

Lucy - Woah, did time just slow down?

Alfred - ...are they THAT bland? :3

The first 4 teams, Kami/Loki, Ashton/Felix, Mary/Carl and Garrett/Eve arrive at the boat dock and put their RVs on the boat. The boat sets off.

Right after, Darrell/Tanya and Alfred/Lucy arrive.

Darrell - Goddammit, we're going to have to wait for the next boat now!

Alfred - No, wait, look!

The first boat is going incredibly slow.

Alfred - They really ARE that bland, oh my god.

Tanya - What are you even talking about?

We shot the first four teams in the boat.

Ashton - Ugh, what's taking this piece of trash this long? I can see the coast but it feels like we're going to take an hour to get there!

Boat Driver - I'm going as fast as all the boats can, one of you teams must be doing something weird!

Ashton - Go FASTER than what the boat can, then!

Boat Driver - Not possible.

Felix - Eh, no matter. Even if this boat is the last to arrive, we can definitely beat these other three teams here.

Garrett - On your dreams you'll beat us!

Carl - You're annoying *He blocks both Felix and Garrett*

Mary looks at Garrett and Eve.

Mary - Interesting, they're most peculiar.

Carl - What do you mean?

Mary - It seems time actually slows down around them. But what reason could there be behind it?

Ashton - They're just boring.

Eve - We're not borin-

Ashton - And that was a boring comeback. Like seriously, even Kami and Loki that are on this constant denial are more interesting.

Loki - W-what? No one's denying anything!

Kami - As i-if I'd date someone l-like him.

Ashton - Then could I?

Kami - GET AWAY FROM HIM! HISSSSS!

Ashton - Pure denial.

Kami - WHAT DID I SAY?! GET AWAY FROM HIM! HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Carl - Eeek! *Blocks Kami*

Mary - ...can you stop blocking everyone? It's really counter-productive if we ever wish to interact with other teams.

Carl - ...sorry...

* * *

Confessional - THE DIVA-SLAYERS

Felix - Were you serious with that?

Ashton - What, about dating Loki? Come on, don't think so bad of me, I have SOME standards.

They laugh together.

* * *

Back at the coast, Alfred/Lucy and Darnell/Tanya are waiting for the next two teams to arrive.

Lucy - If we get lucky, and our boat is faster, then I think we can catch up.

Tanya - Tell us something we don't know.

Tough Attractive Punk - This is my 18th boner today.

Tanya - That's irrelevant. And too much information.

Alfred - Ah, but you didn't know that.

Darrell - Are you just going to keep trolling us?

Alfred - Okay, but seriously, what's with the mood? We both want to win, we both want to prove ourselves, so why are you acting like tight-asses? :v

Lucy - Yeah, we're not that different, you and I. You are both tight-asses, I like some tight asses...

Darrell - Forget it!

Lucy - Already did, only got asses on my mind right now.

Agnes/Oscar & Joseph/Zoey manage to squeak by into the second boat, which leaves. Gavin/Tosh arrive right after.

Tosh - NOOOO! WE MISSED THE SECOND BOAT! WE'RE DOOMED!

Gavin - Stop giving up, it's not fun, dude.

Tosh - I'm not giving up, people are just hating and making me fall behind!

Gavin - Yes, we totally didn't fall behind because you wanted to use the bathroom 5 times on the way here.

Tosh - I drank a lot of soda!

Gavin - That YOU also wanted to stop for!

* * *

Confessional - THE REALITY TV SCHMOS

Tosh - Why should I bother trying...

Gavin - Because if you don't, I'll whoop your ass! And you can bet I'm not gonna lose because you're basically giving up.

* * *

On the second boat, some teams are having fun and others are being angry.

Joseph - And so I said, bring in the kazoos!

Alfred, Lucy and Zoey laugh.

Joseph - I hope they just show the punchline of the joke so everyone's confused.

Lucy - Ah, man, you're fun. Glad to finally be meeting you two.

Alfred - Zoey's better when she isn't with Mike too.

Darrell - ZOEY? GOOD? HAH.

Zoey - Ah, disregarding that, yeah, I'm glad to be meeting new people without worrying about everything.

Joseph - I'm telling you, it's pent-up sexual frustra-

Zoey - No, no it isn't! Otherwise I'd have gone Commando by now.

Alfred - Wait, you mean warrior Zoey? What does that have to-

Zoey - I mean, the other kind of commando...

Lucy - Ohhhh...

Lucy sits closer to Zoey and puts a hand on her thigh.

Zoey - Why did you move?

Lucy - No reason. *Whistles innocently*

Darrell - How dare they say we have anything similar with them. They are being buddies with Zoey! Preposterous!

Tanya - I don't hate Zoey, you know.

Darrell - Yeah, but you have problems, so I don't hold it against you.

Their boat passes the first boat.

Oscar - Look, we're ahead now!

Butler - Yes, our boat was somehow faster. I must say, Agnes, Oscar, you're both incredibly lucky.

Agnes - What? No! We're underdogs! We're fighting against the odds and making it far on our own merit!

Butler - I can't say I've seen anything like that so far.

Agnes - Well, that's bec...

Tanya - Because there wasn't any of that. Just stop trying to sell a plot that doesn't belong to you, that's just being fake.

Oscar - You-

Tanya pushes Oscar away and yells to the 4 teams in the other boat.

Tanya - Hey, I bet you're glad you took the first boat, aren't you?!

Ashton - As soon as our progress gets back on our own hands, we'll be kicking your ass!

Garrett - Yeah!

Mary - Garrett, shut up, you're the entire reason we're so slow.

Tanya - We'll see about that!

Tanya sits back near Darrell.

Darrell - Bet you're so proud of yourself, trying to sell your own bad girl persona, aren't you? Who's the fake here?

Tanya - If you say one more word...

Back at shore, Chris/Hallie arrive at the docks, with Gavin/Tosh waiting for them.

Tosh - Took you long enough! We're going to lose because of you!

Gavin - You were JUST giving up, can you shut up now?

* * *

Confessional - THE RIDONCULOUS HATERS

Chris - We arrive and there's NO boat! We need to wait for the last team until we can go, which means we're stuck on the back of the pack!

Hallie - Which is awful!

Chris - Yes! How can I plead my case to Don when he'll just wave me off as someone who arrived late?

Hallie - Which means TD is ending! It's no April Fools, when the suns align with the moons, TD will end unless we go back to the roots!

Chris - And unless they give me a bigger paycheck!

* * *

Chris - Where's that fodder couple?

Somewhere, in the middle of the road.

Samantha - Where are we going.

Johnny - To Desolate Beach.

Samantha - That sounds like a Mario Kart track.

Johnny - It's a Pingu track.

Samantha - There's no Pingu Kart.

Johnny - You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Samantha - Yes.

Johnny - That's because you don't respect others.

Samantha - I do.

Johnny - Then why did you dump me based on a fake message! :C

Samantha - It wasn't fake.

Johnny - My name wasn't even right!

Samantha - Really.

Johnny - Yes.

Awkward silence.

Don - Okay, enough with the awkwardness, let's show the teams in the lead!

The camera cuts to the first boat arriving.

Alfred - Hey, Joseph, Zoey, wanna make a temporary alliance?

Joseph - Sure!

Lucy - Yeah, Zoey, let's make a make out alliance.

Zoey - What?

Lucy - We'll align our lips and mouths together.

Zoey blushes and looks away.

Darrell - STOP GIVING HER AIRTIME.

They see a statue of liberty in the distance.

But it's buried on the sand.

And destroyed.

Lucy - Oh my god, it was Earth all along! :3

They get the clue

Oscar - Travel Tip - Find the Earth's Last Starbucks! Dawn would love this challenge!

Agnes - Bridgette too!

Darnell - ...would you stop that?

Zoey - I have a Starbucks Sensor, let's go, alliance!

Darnell - SEE? OVER-POWERED. STILL BAD.

Tanya - Just quit it.

Alfred/Lucy and Joseph/Zoey find the Starbucks in One Second.

Alfred - It's a roadblock! We need to make an Oolong Tea.

Tough Attractive Punk - I'll do it.

Lucy - No, sorry, you can't help in challenges. I'll go.

Tough Attractive Punk - Does she know how to?

Alfred - No, but that bartender chick is sexy.

Zoey goes to make it for her team.

Samantha/Johnny finally arrive at the boat and it sets off. Meanwhile, the first boat (turned second) arrives at Desolate Beach.

Ashton - ...got it. It's a stupid challenge, but I got it.

Eve - Where is the Earth's Last Starbucks?

Felix - That's the challenge! Do it on your own!

Kami - ...let's go, L-loki!

Loki - I'll just g-go with y-you so we don't l-lose.

Kami - Y-yeah.

They begin making out hard.

Eve - ...Garrett, what was that about them dragging out their relationship?

Garrett - ..I was mistaken, I guess...

Mary - This is clearly post-apocalyptic New York. Carl, let's go!

Carl doesn't hear.

Mary - Carl?

Carl - ...o-o

Mary - ...what the heck.

* * *

Confessional - Carl

Carl - I think I accidentally blocked Mary. :I

* * *

Mary begins carrying Carl away. On the Starbucks, Zoey's doing perfectly because she's a basic white indie girl.

Zoey - I got it!

Bartender Chick - Here's your clue.

The bartender gives her the clue.

Zoey - Go to the Saggy Boobs of the Wrecked Statue of Liberty!

Joseph - Perfect place to chill. Do you guys want us to wait?

Lucy - No, go on...

Lucy's chatting up the Bartender, and doing the challenge on the side. Mary/Carl and Felix/Ashton manage to find the place and begin working on the challenge too.

Mary - Carl, can you do this?

Carl - :?

Mary - Fine, I will...

Felix - You can do it, you're more basic than I am.

Ashton - Your ass is lucky that's true.

Chris/Hallie, Gavin/Tosh and Samantha/Johnny finally get the Starbucks clue.

Chris - Let's go, Hallie, the future of Total Drama awaits!

Hallie - Yes.

Gavin - Let's go, Tosh!

Tosh - But we'll loooose...

Gavin - The only thing you're losing is my respect right now.

Johnny (blood-shot eyes) - NOOT NOOT

Samantha (blood-shot eyes) - LUIGI TIME!

A mysterious shadow is behind the Starbucks.

Shadow - THEY'LL NEVER FIND THE STARBUCKS ONCE I MOVE IT!

He tries moving it and ends up throwing on top of all the other teams.

Shadow - DRAT, DOUBLE DRAT!

Muttley - *Laughs like a Muttley*

Shadow - Why can't they all LOSE?!

On the top of the shriveled and saggy statue of liberty, Don is waiting for the teams.

Zoey and Joseph arrive.

Don - Professionals, you're the first team to arrive!

Zoey - Oh, good! I didn't even have to go commando!

Joseph - Yet! Haha! Finally being a good sport, Zoey!

Alfred, Lucy, Tough Attractive Punk and Artsy Bartender Chick land in second.

Don - ...You... four... congratulations, you're the second to arrive, you're safe.

Lucy - Second to come? But I always finish last! :3

Alfred - Oh, you :3

Artsy Bartender Chick - Uhhh, is it a problem for me to be here, I was... just on break... and.

Don - It's okay! Whatever! Just move on so I can greet the other teams.

Don - Divas! You're third. That's a drop down from last time!

Ashton - Don't you dare say anything.

Felix - Our boat was messed up. That's the ONLY reason we're not first.

Ashton - But next time we're getting first, for sure.

Don - That's what you said last time, and you, uh, didn't.

Ashton - You said to yourself you'd make it big on the movies, yet here you are hosting a second-rate reality-show.

Don - ...shut up.

Don - StalkerMance, fourth place! What's up with Carl?

Mary - He blocked me, and I think he also blocked you.

Carl is shaking on the spot.

Don - You know that will be a problem, right?

Mary - *Sighs* Yeahh...

Tanya almost finishes up the challenge, but Garrett 'accidentally' bumps into her and drenches both her and Darrell. Chris is trying to make tea but not doing super well.

Johnny finishes while slowly going insane and Noot-Nooting. Gavin goes to make the tea since Tosh's being dead weight. The Butler does it for Oscar and Agnes since they both don't know how.

Kami is making the tea while it accidentally spills on her giving a pretty obvious tsundere fan-service shot.

Kami - D-don't l-look!

Loki - I-I'm n-not looking!

* * *

Confessional - Loki

Loki - I was looking... :D

* * *

Confessional - Kami

Kami - I wanted him to look D:

* * *

Don - Tsunderes, you fell, but you're still in. 5th place!

They begin making out and going towards second base.

Don - Woah woah woah, do that on your own RV. Also, TV Schmos, you're 6th.

Gavin - I did better when Tosh wasn't even trying. I guess he IS just getting in the way.

Tosh - STOP HATING BRO, WHY YOU HATING!

Don - Fanboys, you're 7th. Thank the butler.

Butler - Yes, I know how to do one mean Oolong Tea.

Don - You guys were REALLY lucky to get him. God's on your side, huh?

Oscar - GOD'S NEVER ON THE SIDE OF THE UNDERDOGS!

Agnes - STOP MAKING MY HEAD HURT!

They faint.

Don - Uh, sure...

Don - Samantha and Johnny, you're in 8th, congrats.

Johnny - Whatever.

Samantha - Hey Don want to join my game you can be Chet.

Don - Uh, no, thanks.

The camera cuts between the three teams left, the Boring Couple, the Hardcore Fans and the Ridonculous Haters.

Don - Three teams left, who will be the last one to arrive?

Darrell - Garret is going to pay! He set us so far back!

Tanya - Those lame banned ones are pissing me off too.

Chris - Hurry, hurry, we need to go!

Hallie - You're the one making the tea that will save us all!

Chris - For I am Chris McLean!

Garrett - We're not boring!

Eve - Yeah!

Don - No, you pretty much are.

The camera cuts quickly between the three remaining teams. One arrives.

Don - Boring Couple, you're in 9th place.

Garrett - Don't call us boring couple!

Eve - Yeah, don't!

Don - But like, you are... It seems time actually slows down when you're on screen. Scientists are baffled everywhere.

The camera shows Garrett and Eve staring blankly at the horizon. Don drops a ball near them and the ball takes ages to fall.

Don - See? That's how boring you are.

Garrett - We're not boring, we're winners!

Eve - STOP THINKING ABOUT GAME STUFF

Don - Jesus, even your fights are boring!

And, another team arrives too.

Don - Hardcore Fans, tenth place! Congratulations, you're still in.

Darrell - *Wet from the splattered tea* Ugh.

Tanya - Can you move out of the way? We have something to settle.

Don - Woah, woah, chill for a bit.

Tanya - No, there's no chilling.

Darrell - We have some trolls to take care of.

Garrett - Sorry about the tea thing, I slipped!

Alfred - Why would you be sorry? You're doing god's work :3

Tanya - ...YOU PIECES OF-

They approach Alfred and Lucy.

Darrell - Hey, you! I don't know what you were both thinking, but it's clear that you're NOTHING like me. We have absolutely NOTHING in common.

Lucy - Oh, but we do, we're both wet right now.

Darrell - ..but you aren...

Lucy - :3

Darrell - STOP THAT! Whatever, count your days, because you're going down!

Lucy - Uh, maybe a cup of coffee before I go down on you? Geez.

Darrell - UGHHHHH

Tanya pushes Darrell out of the way.

Tanya - Let me settle this, since you clearly are too dumb to do it. *Turns to Alfred/Lucy* Look, you banned freaks, you've made the worst enemy you possibly could, we're NOT letting you win this.

Lucy - Sure, but you know what they say, keep your friends close.

Lucy grabs Tanya by the waist and pulls her closer.

Lucy - And keep your enemies closer.

Tanya - W-w-what-?

Lucy slaps Alfred's hand.

Lucy - Nailed it.

Alfred - I don't think I even need to say anything on that matter, but I will. Darrell-

Darrell - *Angry* Bite me.

Alfred - Oh, if you ask, I can :3

Lucy, Alfred, Joseph, Zoey, Tough Attractive Punk and Artsy Bartender Chick all leave, laughing.

* * *

Three hours later...

Chris and Hallie finally arrive.

Chris - Don, we're finally here, with a warning from above! YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO LET ME REPLACE YOU!

Hallie - SO THE SHOW CAN BE SAVED AGAIN!

Don - Yes, I do have a choice besides that. You're 11th place. That means last. You're out.

Hallie - BUT DON'T YOU SEE? TD WILL DIE JUST LIKE NEW YORK DID AND BECAME DESOLATE BEACH!

Chris - But you can save the Earth! Just let me, your host, Chris McLean, take over as the host of this second-rate show! See how generous I am?!

Don - ...You're out. Do I need to call security?

Chris - We won't give in to your evil means! Was this your plan all along?! To destroy Total Drama and all Mankind?!

Don calls for security and they take Hallie and Chris away.

Chris - You've DOOMED US ALL!

Don - And they're finally gone. God. 10 teams remain, but only one will win this race! Who will it be? Find out next time, on, The Ridonculous Vape!

* * *

 **-FINAL WORDS-**

 **Chris - I guess Total Drama is bound to die, after all. Oh well, we tried to save it.**

 **Hallie - They didn't listen to our announcement of the apocalypse, and they'll pay for it.**

 **Chris - Don't worry about that. I'm sure you'll find some new show to talk about instead. Like for example, Big Bother, which I'll be applying to host next week.**

 **Hallie - That will die too! Blaineley will be the host! I'm CERTAIN OF IT!**

 **Chris - What? Blaineley?! How... I won't let her beat me!**

 **Hallie - It is WRITTEN! For I AM THE HARBINGER OF THE APOCALYPSE!**

 **Chris - Wait... is the Earth ACTUALLY dying?**

 **Hallie - No, just Total Drama, you'll still get other jobs.**

 **Chris - Ah, then who cares?**

 **They leave happily.**

* * *

 **End of Episode 3**

* * *

 _Next time, on the Ridonculous Vape:_

 _A trip to Kappa Kappa Kappa in Fratifornia brings back bad memories to some of the teams._

 _Don't miss Episode 4 - Of Apples and Cream Pies_


End file.
